I sit here and wonder all night why this happened to me. Is this punishment for something in my life? Did some existence need to free me? I’m on a loop. I feel like I’m in a dream, but the picture is just a decumbent lie. All these flashes pop in color, flooding my mind with emotion, and I can’t decipher if I live or if I die. I feel the cold impending my skin, but my body is armor, not allowing it to consume me or so I thought. Now I’m drowning, I can’t hear anything, and no one can save me. My breathing stops and now this has become the destination given to me. I look up at a bright light and I say, God please save me. As I repent, for my life, I bang my hand on the floor, and bemoan, again, please God save me. The light goes to black and it feels colder. A single tear trickles down my face like an icicle. I’m trapped in a prison and I sit there while it all marinates. Can no one hear me? Does anyone care? I let out one last scream, and again my life flashes with highlights. I don’t want to die. How do I get out of this? Suddenly I feel my heart, as it pumps hard, my body begins to warm back up. The dark light fades to the light. I feel a kiss on my head and hear that’s it’s going to be alright; you are free. Am I free in heaven? No, I hear other voices. I don’t recognize them, but this can’t be heaven. I open my eyes and see glaring lights, ones that belong to a hospital. I still don’t know if this is a dream. All I know is that I want to see a familiar face. I want to tell whoever is near me that I love them. Once I see my loved ones, I know I made it.
Whatever transpired in my mind, is a loop that I can’t get out of my head. It doesn’t matter how much I try. It’s the battle of good vs evil. The darkness still haunts me to this day. A single tear continues to drip from my eye, but it’s warm. A reminder that I’m here. I don’t know who told me I was ok. Something did, and it was enough for my body to fight. I’m not going to lie; I had a hard time how to navigate this. I sat in the hospital bed frightened, trying to make sense of what transpired in my head before I came back to reality. My emotions were fueled with relief at first, but then I turned to anger. What did I do to deserve this? I scrambled in my head trying to make sense of what game I played that would leave me in this position. I played no game, I played it right or so I thought. Did I get too far into my head that the stress decided that we are done? Once my greatest strength, being overly passionate, investigational, problem solving, unrelentless was ultimately my own undoing. Or were these the very things that pulled me out? I still won’t solve that puzzle and no matter what it won’t please me.
You see, a lot of people will sugarcoat their near-death experience or talk about the wonderful light they saw, and it was peace. I’m as raw as it gets. It was nothing like that for me. It was like I got played. I strayed. I wonder, wonder, wonder, why it was so different for me. Perhaps people don’t have the guts to let people know that time wasn’t spent in a negative space. Maybe my experience is different. I will say, I’m glad. I needed that darkness to enter, because it made me appreciate the light so much more- vida por luz.
Now, I’ve come out hungry. I think to myself, what have I started. Getting back in my head, going full speed again. I don’t care this time. I got my life back, there is no time to waste. If I hit a wall, I’m going to tear that down and I’ve got the will power to do it over and over. You see a drive has shaken me up, and it’s at full speed. I stop for moments to fuel, but I keep driving. I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I will continue to question why this happened and thank God everything happened the way I wanted, needed, craved, and desired. I will not be chained to my condition. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a part of me for life, but I won’t let it define me in a negative light regardless of the flecks of anger.
Here is something that gets me. I survived to live my best life, and I emerged amid a pandemic. How’s that for something to come back to. So, I must sit back, waiting to go full blast. But I can feel it, it’s attainable, life will resume, and I will be a force. I will be that advocate for others, so they can unleash the raw feelings they feel. I will be sympathetic to all needs. I will be different, or should I say improved.
We have one chance in this world. Sometimes, it might be taken away from us for a moment, but once you emerge, you must do something with it. Don’t take one second for granted. Don’t waste it. Time runs out. What can you say you did?
From the words of Tupac:
“Take these broken wings I need your hands to come and heal me once again (Until the end of time) So I can fly away, till the end of time Take these broken wings”
*Well, my broken wings have been healed