I feel lost, with no compass or sun to help guide me toward the right path. I’m standing in the woods with too much around me. I don’t know how to figure it out. I need your guidance to help me get out. You see, I have this wound that’s not healing and I feel like my wound is attracting the beasts to feast. I scream for you but I can’t hear you. I cry but you can’t wipe my tears. I have anger, but you can’t hug me and take it away. I’m alone.
If you can hear me, I want you to know that I'm a mess grieving for you. My emotions are strong and I’m scared to share because it might be too much. 39 years of your love, and in three weeks, I have felt guilty for my emotions.. I repeat that over and over in my head. I ache to feel again.
If you can hear me, I’m blind. I can’t see what’s in front of me. It's necessary to propel me forward. Please, how do I see?
I stand like a little girl in the woods and it's turning cold. I can hear from the distance the sound of holidays are near. The ringing tone hurts me ears. I refuse to acknowledge this sound. Again, I'm alone. I don't have an emergency line to soothe me. I will be alone with my thoughts. Maybe I need that time to free myself from what’s blocking my mind. Maybe it’s bad because I have nothing to guide me. Maybe I will find my strength. I doubt it this year.
I just want to talk to you. I want to hear your laugh, your guidance. Now,all I can hold onto are signs. I’m still waiting for them to show up. Which is why I’m stuck alone in the woods. I’m trying to think of ways to make you proud. You won’t know. I don’t have those words. It’s gone. When I reach for a hand, again I repeat, somehow my emotions aren’t right.
Mom, while I feel this way and it’s dark, cruel, heart wrenching, sabotage- I have to figure my way out of the woods. Not by anyone pushing me to get out. It’s on my own terms. It’s my own way. This is MY GRIEF. This BELONGS TO ME. This wasn't your time.
If it was time for me to expire, it would have been in 2020. My strength and tenacity got me through because I didn’t want anyone to feel alone with all the emotions of trauma. While I went through them one-by-one like a knife cutting into my heart, I didn’t take anything to numb the pain. I told myself I am going to feel the pain because I want to make sure any of the darkness that comes my way, I can figure it out. Tell my story, to let people know they aren’t alone. They can rise. They can make it. The sun will eventually come out to guide them out of the woods.
Now I need to put that thought process in the loss of you. As much as I’m in the woods, alone and stranded, I am going to listen to every sound. I’m going to watch every mark. When my intuition sets in, I will follow. It’s going to be a long process, but to honor you, I will be strong. I will find my way. I will be a voice to others to know that they aren’t alone. That we are all DIFFERENT on how we feel but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I want everyone to know that life will go on and to not give up. As much as I want to, you would never want that. Deep down neither do I. I think it’s the easy way out of pain because people don’t want to feel pain. I really wish I could talk to you and let you know how I feel. All I have words to write, and since I know I can’t talk to you, other people who read this please know this-
You have experienced trauma but lived.
You had obstacles but you did what you had to do.
You may find the road to get back but there will be times that you will find that you walked in circles.
Trauma doesn’t stop.
We went through one battle.
Life is full of multiple battles.
Take the strength you found in your medical trauma to guide you through personal trauma.
This is all I have to get through- honesty. Showing my emotions.
I won’t give up, even though I need my mom to talk to.
So, don’t give up.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to process your emotions if they are wrong or right. So long as it's emotions and not anything harmful.
It takes time. Yet, it’s hard to process that because time seems to be so quick. They don’t get together.
So make time mean anything to you.
So mom, as much as I want to see your face and talk to you, all I have is to type out what I would say to you.
I promise to make you proud.
I will be a warrior.
I will protect those who don’t have the strength.
I will be the wings to shield people from hearing the wrong words.
I will honor you.