At this moment I feel a bit of energy so I’m going to take advantage and blog away. I had a good weekend with limited naps. Sunday, I marveled that I had energy and didn’t have fatigue. I’d hoped this was the trajectory that would continue. It was a glimmer of hope that things were transitioning back to normal.
I wake up Monday morning to get ready for work and suddenly I felt a surge fatigue hit me. I walked out to the sofa and collapsed. My stomach started turning inside out. Next, I mustered enough strength to take a shower, hoping the heat would revitalize me. As I stepped out, I felt woozy. I proceeded putting on my makeup and just as I was grabbing my dress that I was excited to wear, all hell broke loose. I went back to the sofa and collapsed. I wrapped myself in my furry blanket and didn’t have the strength to shift my body over to the right position. I questioned myself, was it a new medication I started, is my body reacting to a normal work week last week, am I sick, I did bump my shut on a table picking something up, is this going to be something normal that happens occasionally? So many thoughts raced in my head, but I was too fatigue to figure it all out.
I called it a day with my work, and thankfully they were understanding. This is key to my recovery, knowing that I have a team behind me that knows what happened and that these occurrences will happen. After straightening out my inability to work with my boss, I contacted my mom and let her know not to come over for the day. I was worthless and just wanted to sleep. As a mom, she naturally had red flags pop up wondering if I was having a valve malfunction. You see that’s the problem with my VP shunt. Any little issue that would normally happen to someone else, is a red flag for me because it can be an indicator that something is wrong. I assured her it wasn’t. I wasn’t running a fever and promised that I would call and update her on how I felt through the day. After my check-ins, I allowed myself to drift away to sleep. I didn’t dream like I usually do. In fact, I don’t remember anything. This is unusual for myself, since my dreams are vivid, and I can recall every single one of them. I looked up at the clock, to see if perhaps I just closed my eyes for a minute. The clock showed me that I was in fact asleep for a couple of hours.
Awake, it took me thirty minutes to regain the energy to make myself something to eat. This involved little movements to inch myself from the sofa, self-talk and finally rolling myself off. I stood at the cabinet for a few minutes gazing at my options since my stomach was still upset. I found my oatmeal, and it was draining opening the packages and turning the faucet on to add water and put it in the microwave. 2 minutes to heat seemed like an eternity. Once it was finished, I sat back down and had a couple bites and that was enough for me. I couldn’t handle it. I disposed of the rest and went back to my little nest I made for myself. I started rewinding this morning and all my thoughts about what is going on with my body.
My conclusion is that I have a bug added with fatigue from working a full week of work. My body is not used to it, and in time it will. Tomorrow will be another day. Another chance to try again. I don’t know if I need to move my bedtime to 9pm, so it’s easier for me to get up. I foresee there will be a lot trial and error that I will experience as I move to normalcy in my life. I can’t beat myself for these types of days, but I fear that people will grow weary, which is unfounded. This is my own lack of self-confidence that I lost, a certain fear, that in time will go away.
I’m inpatient and wish with all my might that things can get back to normal. I look at other people with my same condition and none of them resumed their normal life until 6 months to a year. Now, those people could have deficits that I’m not aware of. I don’t have any thankfully. My only issue that I experience is the occasional headache, and massive fatigue and a bit of short-term memory loss. I feel capable to do any work at the fullest capacity without missing a beat. It’s just this fatigue.
Part of my recovery process that I gave myself was to take a shower every single day and dress like I would be leaving the house or going to the office. To me, this felt normal. Perhaps this pressure I’m putting on myself isn’t needed right now. Maybe I need to wake up, give myself an hour, that I would’ve used to get ready and mentally wake myself up and plug away. It’s not ideal to me to be in pajamas all day, but it’s something I might need for a bit while I readjust back into work. With the pandemic, it’s not like anyone is seeing me. Before going back to work, it was easier to get dressed up because I usually took a shower around 10am and was ready for the day. It’s not like that anymore.
As I conclude, I feel the fatigue already setting back in telling me that I’ve done enough for the day. Hopefully as the day goes, and I get more rest, tomorrow will be a better outcome. We need to listen to our bodies and give what it needs and not place pressure on ourselves. Pressure will eventually explode and then you aren’t worth anything. Forgive yourself for those days that don’t work for you. There is always the next day? Most importantly, you are vital, and what works for you, works for you. Sometimes there is a lot of recalibration. It’s a lesson in life that we weren’t equipped to handle. So, if you find something that works, share it to others that struggle.
Now, it’s time for another nap.