"Stay strong, you story isn’t over yet "
I needed this reminder yesterday because I will admit, I have been battling something fierce this week that has left me utterly fatigued. I don’t know if it’s work, or if it’s just a combination of several things. After I’m done with work, I lay on my sofa and fall asleep. Thursday night I took a nap until close to 9pm. It screws with me because I’m unable to go back to bed until one or two in the morning- yet I can’t be productive in those waking hours. I have every intent to get my next blog “Dear Wendy” finished by Friday, but it’s such a lengthy and emotional post, that I want to make sure I do it right. I was a bit angry with myself that I didn’t accomplish much this week, but this is a prime example to myself that I need to allow grace and give my body to rest when its needed. The only deadline is the one that I set for myself, so I forgive myself.
This is a reminder that I’m not over the hump yet with stroke related issues. I pat myself on my back that I have experienced a long period with being on track and productive. Not all weeks or days are going to look the same. I typed a majority of this at 1:08 in the morning and I’m writing because I fell asleep again soon after work. When I woke up, instead of doing something mindful, I did something mindless by selecting outfits on my closet app for the rest of the year. Yes, I have an app that has all my clothes on it like Cher from Clueless. Although I wish I had the rotating closet that handed my items out. It was a waste of time but truthfully, it was kind of nice not to be on social media and just zone on something simple. I think we need to give ourselves those kinds of days.
I’m still baffled why I feel so weak, tired and utterly unmotivated. It’s like night and day from how I feel now from last Saturday. That day I was able to write, get some laundry done, and then do some exercises. I was so happy to keep the momentum going. On Tuesday I went to the grocery store and got some healthy food, got my flu shot, and had every intention to sit down and begin to finish my blog. I’m half-way finished, but then something hit me hard. I also flip flop on my emotions from feeling depressed to happy. I always describe it as bipolar at times, but it’s not. There is just so much going on in my life, with uncertainty and unease with the country and the world right now. The political back and forth is torturing. You can’t escape it. I can get off social media, but then I catch it on the news. I stay away from the news and then I see the political ads that pop up. It’s nauseating. Then I watch the news and COVID is mentioned every second. The area that I live in is a hot spot right now. I don’t have children, but it weighs heavy on me how parents are going to work if their kids must learn remote. They have told us to wear our mask, social distance, 50% capacity and more for a long time because they said we will see improvement. I have only seen the number of positive cases go up. Of course, I will comply with the requirements, however when will we stop and look at everything and see what is and isn’t working? I feel trapped. I can’t pick up facial ques from people because I can’t see their smile. I have trouble hearing in my left ear, so it’s extra hard to listen to someone with a mask because it’s muffled. You can’t even walk down an aisle at a store without having someone steer far from you. It’s like we all have the plague. The children have no clue what’s going on. They are wearing their mask, running around and giggling. What I would do to have that same mentality.
Another thing that is wearing me down is figuring out when we do go back to work, what will it be like? Do we have to go in if we don’t feel comfortable? Is that counted against us? I feel more productive working from home, and I have the luxury of starting early and finishing just in time before the stroke fatigue strikes. I’m also trying to go back to school for my HIM degree, and I wonder if I have it in me. If I’m this tired from working, I can’t imagine doing night school. I have done it before where I worked a full day of work and then did school until 4am and got maybe 2 hours of sleep. I was a little younger then and had energy. Things are different now. I’m older and I had a stroke that has left me feeling weak.
Several people have been kind and remind me to not overdo it and allow myself this time to rest because this is still fresh. Part of my brain is telling me no; you need to get back into it and fight the sleep off. I have been making a lot of promises to myself, and I’m not following through on some of them. I must stop myself in my tracks and tell myself, it’s going to be ok. So, you had a bad week. It’s ok, most people have a bad week. So, you feel overly fatigued. There are plenty of people that go through that kind of weeks or day. A lot of things are uncertain in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I think most of us around the world are feeling the same.
So, I need to stay strong mentally and forgive myself for not completing my “Dear Wendy” blog. Where I write to myself pre-stroke and let myself know all the things that will come with reminders of what makes you strong. Being honest and authentic are key. So, with that said, I’m going to try to get as much rest as I can and then tackle my next blog, which I hope to have finished by soon.