Yesterday




Yesterday was a rather hard day for me. The type where tears creep up from nowhere and you retreat to the fetal position falling asleep.  I had a dream that I lived on a beach in a nice house and the waves where calling my name.  I was lying in a bed trying to mobilize myself out of my sleep position to walk out to the waves.  My feet squished into the sand and they sky was radiant with hues of pink and purple. I could hear the birds squawking in the background. I bent my neck back and breathed in the ocean air and slowly started to approach the ocean.  In a snap the dream was over.  My dream lulled me back to a stable attitude, no longer wanting to weep and be in the fetal position.  I woke up and looked around, wishing I really did have that house on the beach, but instead I had two dogs ready to pounce on me. Don’t get me wrong but that is still heaven to me. 

I started to think about life a bit more after this dream and internalize my next steps, but I hit a wall.  There is so much uncertainty going on, that I can’t figure out the puzzle, no matter how much I analyze it. Is it necessary anymore to have a plan? Should I seize the moment and roll with whatever life throws at me?  I’ve been a planner, worrier, analyzer my entire life. If someone said X was going to happen, I would figure out every different direction X would take me. I prepare myself and because of that I’ve missed out on the spontaneity of life. It took a dream for me to really feel something and yet it wasn’t real.

Aside from the stroke and hydrocephalus, there is COVID19 to contend with. It monopolized by ability to rush out and seize the day and continue the same path that I’m used to.  I want to run to the store and look at all the clothes, decorations, makeup, things that I don’t need. I want to visualize how that throw pillow would look on my sofa. Then I want to run to the next store and plan out another room. I want the ability to move around and become human again, which I’ve touched on most of my blogs. How long is this virus going to last? I can’t figure that puzzle out either.  Everything is just a cluster.  I marvel at the humor I see my friends on Facebook and Instagram and how they are handling the situation, which is with a splash of humor. Are they having crying fits or frustrations on the inside, probably? Who isn’t? 

So, at the end of the day my husband approached me to go on our daily walk. We looked at the trees and pictured the beautiful white and purple ones placed in our future home. We took a break away from the hell and had a nice future.  By the end of the walk, I asked him if we could go for a drive over the weekend and explore areas of Kansas that we aren’t used to.  Take in the nature, the beauty of Kansas. No set plan of meeting people, having to be somewhere at a certain time, by being spontaneous where the road takes us. The only plan required is ice cream.

So here I am, I’ve poured my heart out that the start of my day is miserable, crying, laying in a fetal position and wanting it to be over. But it wasn’t, things changed and changed to something exciting. So, don’t let a moment control the rest of your day or your attitude.  Things can change in a moment and embrace it.  This can be applied more than a stroke life, but for work, relationships, or just in general something didn’t go your way.  Fleeting is my keyword and mantra. All things are fleeting and not permanent and that’s something that I must always remember.  

Give it two days and I might post that I was balling again, but hey, raw emotions here. I don’t sugarcoat anything. 

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